John 20:19-31
The church is
still full to the brim with flowers.
The aroma of lilies is everywhere. Outside, spring
daffodils are still blooming, although after yesterday, they are a little
chilly. We are still very much
right in the midst of Easter. Our
celebration of Easter last Sunday is still vibrant all around us.
The reading from
John’s Gospel that we heard this morning begins later the very day of the first
Easter. Some of Jesus’ disciples
have seen the empty tomb. Mary has
seen Jesus! Alive. Risen from the dead. The joy and awe and wonder of the
resurrection are right there.
And then, barely
a moment later, fear and doubt have begun to sneak in. There was barely a moment of Easter joy
before the disciples began to experience fear and doubt.
In this reading,
the focus is on “doubting” Thomas, but the fact that the other disciples were
cowering in fear behind locked doors suggests to me that they weren’t terribly
secure in their faith, either.
Along with joy
and hope comes fear. Yearning and
awe go hand in hand with doubt.
We always read
this Gospel on the Second Sunday of Easter, the day that, for us, at least in
terms of our worship life together, represents the next moment after
Easter. We hear about the
disciples’ fear and doubt. The
potent and powerful message of today is that, historically speaking, there has
never been “pure” Easter faith without fear and uncertainty and doubt. I say that to be reassuring. Even back among the people who knew
Jesus best, who had seen him risen from the dead, fear and doubt followed the
resurrection virtually immediately.
So we shouldn’t
feel guilty or ashamed of our own uncertainties and doubts. We don’t need to deny or hide our fears
or our questions. In fact, I and
many others would say that a living faith is always seeking, always questioning… that the doubts and uncertainties that
are a part of most, if not all, of our lives of faith are actually
blessings. Opportunities for our
faith to deepen and grow.
Regardless, we should not feel guilty or ashamed of uncertainty and
doubt.
I think I’ve
shared this prayer with you before, some time ago. It’s written as a poem. I know nothing about the author except his name: Bernard, SSF. SSF would be Society of St. Francis. So he is a Franciscan monk, someone who
has faithfully chosen to follow Christ as a Franciscan. I know the prayer from an anthology of
prayers I have (The Oxford Book of Prayer, ed. George Appleton).
Lord, I want to
love you, yet I’m not sure.
I
want to trust you, yet I’m afraid of being taken in.
I
know I need you, yet I’m ashamed of the need.
I
want to pray, yet I’m afraid of being a hypocrite.
I
want to belong, yet I must be myself.
Take
me, Lord, yet leave me alone.
Lord,
I believe, help thou my unbelief.
O Lord, if you
are there, you do understand, don’t you?
Give me what I
need but leave me free to choose.
Help me work it
out my own way, but don’t let me go.
Let me
understand myself, but don’t let me despair.
Come
unto me, O Lord—I want you there.
Lighten
my darkness—but don’t dazzle me.
Help
me to see what I need to do and give me strength to do it.
O Lord, I
believe; help thou my unbelief.
The phrase “Lord,
I believe, help thou my unbelief,” comes to us, of course, out of the
Gospels. In the ninth chapter of
Mark when a father is seeking healing for his son and cries out to Jesus, “I
believe. Help my unbelief!”
I think perhaps
Thomas’ most admirable quality and the one we should seek to emulate, is his
openness and honesty. Thomas doesn’t
hide his doubts and just go along with the disciples. He doesn’t pretend a certainty he doesn’t feel. He is open and honest with the other
disciples, and, ultimately with Jesus.
In that, he is a model for us.
Be open and
honest about your fears and uncertainties and doubts. Be open and honest with God. Like Thomas (and the poet monk). Don’t ever think you have to have a perfect faith before you
can talk to God. Don’t for a
moment think that you have to have a perfect faith before God will listen to
you.
Bring your fears
and uncertainties to God. Like
Thomas, demand an answer. After
all, it is Christ alone who can strengthen our faith, who can lead us into
deeper understanding.
Remember, it was
into the very midst of the disciples’ fear and doubt that Jesus came. Into our fear and doubt Jesus brings his
presence and his peace.
